Cowboy Rules
My brother Kirk lives in Texas. A true cowboy, if such a thing exists anywhere today. He sent me an email with the following “Cowboy Rules.” I’ve seen them – you probably have too. They were originally written for Texas, but I believe they apply to people everywhere, if you can define ‘The Wild West’ more as a place in the heart rather than a geographic region. Kirk agrees. What do you think?
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.
3. Let’s get this straight: it’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way..
4. They are cattle…. That’s why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go. (note – for us in Michigan, make that I-96, US-23, and I-75).
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin’ in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. (November 15th for us in Michigan)
10. We open doors for women. That’s applied to all women, regardless of age.
11... No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey. (OK, you might find a ‘vegetarian special’ in Michigan. Fine – just try not to look so condescending at the rest of us when we order steaks and burgers)
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah. . We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat. IT AIN’T REAL CHILE !!
13... You bring ‘Coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. (Lets not even mention our pro football team in MI)
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards – it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1! (AMEN to that, brother)
